Joy Anne Rhodes Brown

I have not written in a long time. It was a hard year.

The year started rough with my grandmother suffering a stroke and passing away in January. She was loving, funny, and crazy. She was a very unique grandma. I could talk to her about anything and know she would still love me. I'll miss her always.

The year went on with my surgery and healing from it. I realized maybe I waited too long to want a baby. Only time will tell.

The first week of June I went on to have a wonderful birthday.

Thursday, June 10th, I got a 6am call from my mom's home number. I was still asleep so it went to voicemail. When I woke, I immediately jumped in the shower because I was meeting up with Earnestine Phillips and Rachae Thomas to see The Living Voices Anne Frank Show Through The Eyes of a Friend. It was performed for high school students and I was really moved. The show was very well done. I felt so odd though. Anne Frank's story is always sad, but I couldn't recover. I felt so bad afterward. So off. It was strange. Afterward Earnestine, Rachae, and I went to Starbucks to talk about the things we need to get done for our careers and to catch up. I just couldn't shake that awful feeling. I wondered if I was getting sick. I'd never felt anything like it. It was like my chest had a very warm hand on it. I could feel the warmth through to my heart. I felt so sad and uncomfortable. We stayed there for a few hours. Then Earnestine drove me home. I tried to lay down for a while, but it didn't work. I remembered the phone call I'd gotten. I called voicemail and it was my youngest brother Sonny who had called me. He said he'd call me later. I called him instead to see what was up. And it all happened so fast.

Sonny, "Mama is in the hospital."
Me, "What?!? What for? How long has she been in?"
"The doctor just called told me to come there, but he won't tell me why?"
"Okay, Sonny, calm down. Just go. I'm sure it's okay. Are you getting ready to go?"
"I'm trying to get a ride."
"I'm sure everything is okay. Go ahead and call who you need to call then call me back and let me know what's going on. I'm sure it's gonna be alright."


I said that to him, told him it was going to be fine, but I was already screaming in my head. I prayed, "Oh God let her be alright. Oh God, let her be alright. Oh God, let her be alright."

You see, my mother and I had a very difficult relationship, and hadn't been close for a long time. But we talked just two weeks before and it was the best conversation I'd had with her in years. We talked about her life, my life, if I was gonna have kids. She told me how much she loved me and my husband. She said how much she loved my siblings and daddy. She planned on moving to Savannah, GA. Saying how beautiful it was and how it reminded her of Memphis when she was a girl. She said Jaime and I should come visit her there. She was so nice. Our conversation was so easy, so natural. I felt for the first time ever we could be friends. Real friends. Like most mothers are with their grown daughters. I'd never had it, and I'd always wondered what it was like. If this was it, I knew I'd love it. We talked for hours and said goodbye. It was the last time we spoke, although she did call me on my birthday.


Sonny called me back. He was on his way to the hospital. He'd let me know what was going on when he got there. I called my aunt Sis, my grandma's sister, to see if she knew anything. She told me my sister, Pie, and my Aunt Janice, my mama's sister, were on their way to the hospital. 
Fifteen minutes later Aunt Sis called back
Sis said, "She's gone."
I said, "Who's Gone?!?" 
"Your mama."
"Not my mama! You must be talking about somebody else's mama. You know what? I have to go. I need to call my brothers."
Then I hung up.


I felt calm. But my mind was cracked. I just didn't know it.

I called Jaime and told him to come home from work "RIGHT NOW!" I called my younger brother, Marcus, said I'd come meet him when Jaime got home. Called my older brother, Puncho, who was on stage performing. I told whoever answered to get him off stage. Then I walked in a circle for twenty minutes. I still felt calm. I thought "I'll be okay. I can do this." I went to my neighbors' apartment. When they opened the door I screamed out "My mama died!" and they I fell out on their floor. I cried and screamed and howled and hollered until I couldn't see, couldn't breath, couldn't make another noise. I was broken. And she was gone.


I then realized why I felt so strange earlier. My mama was dying and she touched me. She put her warm hand on my heart and said goodbye. She loved me so much that she made sure to say goodbye to me. To me.

I cannot explain how awful this is. Losing a mama is one thing, but losing her when you hadn't done what you were supposed to do is a whole other thing. I hurt. Everyday.


I am grateful we talked two weeks before. I am thankful for her love. I am thankful for her ways, good and horrid. I am blessed she loved me. And I'm most thankful to realize I loved her back. See I worried if anything ever happened to her I would feel nothing. I am oh so thankful to have been oh so wrong.



Joy Anne Rhodes Brown. She was my Mama. And I loved her.