Today was one of those days. I don't feel worried, but I am wondering how things will turn out. I think I've disguised worry with wonder.
I called my dear friend Earnestine Phillips, as I've often done when I'm stressed. Over the years I've gone to her for so many things. She is always gracious enough to stop whatever she's doing to listen and help. She just knows what to say. She won't listen to a pity party, because there is no need for it. She uplifts me with her words of encouragement and sometimes won't even remember saying it. I truly believe at times He speaks through her.
Today, she emailed me this wonderful clip of Smokey Norful singing Dear God, and saying exactly what I feel in this moment.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
New York In October
Earlier this year I decided to go to New York for the month of October and audition like crazy for next year. I feel like I've bitten off more than I can chew, but I am determined to stick to the plan! Years ago, one wouldn't have to go to New York from LA to audition because many theatre companies came here to find talent. Now they hardly come, and if they do they send the c-squad of dog-walking assistants. I'm just tired of waiting to share what I have with them. I'm going there to let them know what they've been missing.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Stay Motivated: A Conversation with Jennifer Beals
There is a musical I really dislike, but there are great parts for me in it. I have auditioned for this show a few times. Everytime I've gone, I've sung my heart out and always new my heart was not even in the building. I'm positive I had that "I hate this show" look on my face. I have tried my best to mask it, but I've felt nothing can make me like these awful songs.
Well, on June 10th I attended an event called Conversations through the Screen Actors Guild Foundation. It's a really great thing they do for members of SAG, AFTRA, and AEA (which I am a proud member of). They screen an upcoming movie or tv show then aftewards they hold a Q&A with some of the actors. This time it was for The Chicago Code and the interview was with Jennifer Beals, who happens to be my favorite actress. My friend Earnestine was very kind and invited me to go with.
I had a wonderful time. The show was great, although it was already cancelled by the time we went. Jennifer was just lovely and very smart. She even answered my question I had so nervously written before the screening and spoke directly to me! I learned a lot from her that day. There was one thing that really struck me as an "aha moment". Someone asked what she did when she felt like quitting. She told her she never felt like quitting or giving up. Then Jennifer went on to say the most profound thing; everytime she auditions she is always happy to be there because she gets to do what she loves to do most. It allows her to share her talent with them if only for a moment. She spoke of how grateful she was to have an opportunity to perform. I actually teared up. I truly understood, but I also felt I'd let myself down. I love being given the chance to show my gifts, but I'm not always excited to go. That moment I knew it holds me back when I don't want to be there. No matter how good I am, it will peek through. In that second I made a choice. I chose to be excited, thrilled, overjoyed, and grateful everytime I am called to perform in any way. Whether it's doing a show for thousands or auditioning to be Tree #3, I will be pumped and motivated.
So, yesterday, I went into that audition room and gave the best audition I've ever given in my life, and that is saying alot! I know I have been spectacular many times in auditions, but this was different. I've never felt so free and connected to any piece I've performed. I left that room knowing I did what I was born to do. I was so present, focused, motivated, and grateful, that I cried when I left.
I don't know yet if I've been chosen, rehearsals won't start until February, but I do know if they don't hire me it's not because I didn't give what was needed. I left there thinking the songs in the show aren't that bad after all.
Well, on June 10th I attended an event called Conversations through the Screen Actors Guild Foundation. It's a really great thing they do for members of SAG, AFTRA, and AEA (which I am a proud member of). They screen an upcoming movie or tv show then aftewards they hold a Q&A with some of the actors. This time it was for The Chicago Code and the interview was with Jennifer Beals, who happens to be my favorite actress. My friend Earnestine was very kind and invited me to go with.
I had a wonderful time. The show was great, although it was already cancelled by the time we went. Jennifer was just lovely and very smart. She even answered my question I had so nervously written before the screening and spoke directly to me! I learned a lot from her that day. There was one thing that really struck me as an "aha moment". Someone asked what she did when she felt like quitting. She told her she never felt like quitting or giving up. Then Jennifer went on to say the most profound thing; everytime she auditions she is always happy to be there because she gets to do what she loves to do most. It allows her to share her talent with them if only for a moment. She spoke of how grateful she was to have an opportunity to perform. I actually teared up. I truly understood, but I also felt I'd let myself down. I love being given the chance to show my gifts, but I'm not always excited to go. That moment I knew it holds me back when I don't want to be there. No matter how good I am, it will peek through. In that second I made a choice. I chose to be excited, thrilled, overjoyed, and grateful everytime I am called to perform in any way. Whether it's doing a show for thousands or auditioning to be Tree #3, I will be pumped and motivated.
So, yesterday, I went into that audition room and gave the best audition I've ever given in my life, and that is saying alot! I know I have been spectacular many times in auditions, but this was different. I've never felt so free and connected to any piece I've performed. I left that room knowing I did what I was born to do. I was so present, focused, motivated, and grateful, that I cried when I left.
I don't know yet if I've been chosen, rehearsals won't start until February, but I do know if they don't hire me it's not because I didn't give what was needed. I left there thinking the songs in the show aren't that bad after all.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Great MS Site
There is a great site called All About MS. It is really informative. They followed me on Twitter one day so I checked them out. Their articles tend to be short, so you won't doze off half way through. There is news about new developments in the effort to cure MS, updates on the goings-on in our community, and many interesting facts on the history of the disease. I never knew "the first records of a disease with MS-like symptoms date from 1400"! As a person with MS, I try to stay as up-to-date as possible. By doing so, I ease my fears. It's good to know the results of any new studies and treatments.
Check them out. You can also like them on Facebook and follow them on Twitter.
Check them out. You can also like them on Facebook and follow them on Twitter.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
MS Today
MS has me down today. I don't get it. I don't feel bad physically. I'm just feeling sad.
I don't want to understand why. I don't want to research anymore. I don't want to have my eyes checked., see the neurologist, take weekly fucking shots. I'm fucking over it.
But I do want to live.
So I'm going to feel sorry for myself for fifteen more minutes then move the fuck on!
I don't want to understand why. I don't want to research anymore. I don't want to have my eyes checked., see the neurologist, take weekly fucking shots. I'm fucking over it.
But I do want to live.
So I'm going to feel sorry for myself for fifteen more minutes then move the fuck on!
Friday, May 13, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
I'm in Philly!
March 30th with Lyrics Born at The Blockley.
Doors at 7:30.
Skins & Needles at 10.
We're on at 11.
Come thru!
Doors at 7:30.
Skins & Needles at 10.
We're on at 11.
Come thru!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Huey Lewis at Talking Stick Casino Resort in Scottsdale, Arizona March 10, 2011
This is a clip from my first show with Huey Lewis and the News. I'm on the right and my sister is on the left.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
On The Road Again. TOUR DATES!!
I love touring. I went out earlier this year with Lyrics Born for the first part of the As U Were World Tour. We were everywhere there was snow. I've never been so cold in my life! It took the whole month of February for me to thaw out! This run should be warmer. It's almost spring!
I’m going out with Lyrics Born from March 30th to April 14th. I’m also really happy to tell y’all I’m now a back-up singer for Huey Lewis. I’ll be hitting the road with Huey starting March 9th for a few dates here and there ending on April 18th.
"They sleep, we grind." (Big ups to Erykah Badu for that dopeness!)
If I’m in your area, come out and holla at ya gurl!!!!
Here are the Tour Dates and Locations:
Fri Mar 11 Scottsdale, AZ Talking Stick Casino Resort (Private Show for Phoenix Suns)
Sat Mar 12 Las Vegas, NV Green Valley Casino Resort
Sun Mar 13 Cabazon, CA Morongo Casino Ballroom
Fri Mar 18 Hammond, IN The Venue
Sat Mar 19 Milwaukee, WI Bradley Center after Admirals Hockey Game
03/30/11 Lyrics Born Philadelphia, PA The Blockley Pourhouse
04/01/11 Lyrics Born Blacksburg, VA Awful Arthur’s
04/02/11 Lyrics Born Asheville, NC Pisgah Brewery
04/04/11 Lyrics Born Orlando, FL The Social
04/05/11 Lyrics Born Tallahassee, FL Engine Room
04/06/11 Lyrics Born Jacksonville, FL Jack Rabbits
04/07/11 Lyrics Born Atlanta, GA Masquerade – Hell Room
04/08/11 Lyrics Born Huntsville, AL Crossroads
04/09/11 Lyrics Born Jackson, MS Martin’s
04/11/11 Lyrics Born New Orleans, LA One Eyed Jack’s
04/12/11 Lyrics Born Birmingham, AL Zydeco
04/13/11 Lyrics Born Nashville, TN Exit/In
04/14/11 Lyrics Born St. Louis, MO 2720With Huey Lewis:
April 16th through April 18th locations coming soon.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Joy Anne Rhodes Brown
I have not written in a long time. It was a hard year.
The year started rough with my grandmother suffering a stroke and passing away in January. She was loving, funny, and crazy. She was a very unique grandma. I could talk to her about anything and know she would still love me. I'll miss her always.
The year went on with my surgery and healing from it. I realized maybe I waited too long to want a baby. Only time will tell.
The first week of June I went on to have a wonderful birthday.
Thursday, June 10th, I got a 6am call from my mom's home number. I was still asleep so it went to voicemail. When I woke, I immediately jumped in the shower because I was meeting up with Earnestine Phillips and Rachae Thomas to see The Living Voices Anne Frank Show Through The Eyes of a Friend. It was performed for high school students and I was really moved. The show was very well done. I felt so odd though. Anne Frank's story is always sad, but I couldn't recover. I felt so bad afterward. So off. It was strange. Afterward Earnestine, Rachae, and I went to Starbucks to talk about the things we need to get done for our careers and to catch up. I just couldn't shake that awful feeling. I wondered if I was getting sick. I'd never felt anything like it. It was like my chest had a very warm hand on it. I could feel the warmth through to my heart. I felt so sad and uncomfortable. We stayed there for a few hours. Then Earnestine drove me home. I tried to lay down for a while, but it didn't work. I remembered the phone call I'd gotten. I called voicemail and it was my youngest brother Sonny who had called me. He said he'd call me later. I called him instead to see what was up. And it all happened so fast.
Sonny, "Mama is in the hospital."
Me, "What?!? What for? How long has she been in?"
"The doctor just called told me to come there, but he won't tell me why?"
"Okay, Sonny, calm down. Just go. I'm sure it's okay. Are you getting ready to go?"
"I'm trying to get a ride."
"I'm sure everything is okay. Go ahead and call who you need to call then call me back and let me know what's going on. I'm sure it's gonna be alright."
I said that to him, told him it was going to be fine, but I was already screaming in my head. I prayed, "Oh God let her be alright. Oh God, let her be alright. Oh God, let her be alright."
You see, my mother and I had a very difficult relationship, and hadn't been close for a long time. But we talked just two weeks before and it was the best conversation I'd had with her in years. We talked about her life, my life, if I was gonna have kids. She told me how much she loved me and my husband. She said how much she loved my siblings and daddy. She planned on moving to Savannah, GA. Saying how beautiful it was and how it reminded her of Memphis when she was a girl. She said Jaime and I should come visit her there. She was so nice. Our conversation was so easy, so natural. I felt for the first time ever we could be friends. Real friends. Like most mothers are with their grown daughters. I'd never had it, and I'd always wondered what it was like. If this was it, I knew I'd love it. We talked for hours and said goodbye. It was the last time we spoke, although she did call me on my birthday.
Sonny called me back. He was on his way to the hospital. He'd let me know what was going on when he got there. I called my aunt Sis, my grandma's sister, to see if she knew anything. She told me my sister, Pie, and my Aunt Janice, my mama's sister, were on their way to the hospital.
Fifteen minutes later Aunt Sis called back
Sis said, "She's gone."
I said, "Who's Gone?!?"
"Your mama."
"Not my mama! You must be talking about somebody else's mama. You know what? I have to go. I need to call my brothers."
Then I hung up.
I felt calm. But my mind was cracked. I just didn't know it.
I called Jaime and told him to come home from work "RIGHT NOW!" I called my younger brother, Marcus, said I'd come meet him when Jaime got home. Called my older brother, Puncho, who was on stage performing. I told whoever answered to get him off stage. Then I walked in a circle for twenty minutes. I still felt calm. I thought "I'll be okay. I can do this." I went to my neighbors' apartment. When they opened the door I screamed out "My mama died!" and they I fell out on their floor. I cried and screamed and howled and hollered until I couldn't see, couldn't breath, couldn't make another noise. I was broken. And she was gone.
I then realized why I felt so strange earlier. My mama was dying and she touched me. She put her warm hand on my heart and said goodbye. She loved me so much that she made sure to say goodbye to me. To me.
I cannot explain how awful this is. Losing a mama is one thing, but losing her when you hadn't done what you were supposed to do is a whole other thing. I hurt. Everyday.
I am grateful we talked two weeks before. I am thankful for her love. I am thankful for her ways, good and horrid. I am blessed she loved me. And I'm most thankful to realize I loved her back. See I worried if anything ever happened to her I would feel nothing. I am oh so thankful to have been oh so wrong.
Joy Anne Rhodes Brown. She was my Mama. And I loved her.
The year started rough with my grandmother suffering a stroke and passing away in January. She was loving, funny, and crazy. She was a very unique grandma. I could talk to her about anything and know she would still love me. I'll miss her always.
The year went on with my surgery and healing from it. I realized maybe I waited too long to want a baby. Only time will tell.
The first week of June I went on to have a wonderful birthday.
Thursday, June 10th, I got a 6am call from my mom's home number. I was still asleep so it went to voicemail. When I woke, I immediately jumped in the shower because I was meeting up with Earnestine Phillips and Rachae Thomas to see The Living Voices Anne Frank Show Through The Eyes of a Friend. It was performed for high school students and I was really moved. The show was very well done. I felt so odd though. Anne Frank's story is always sad, but I couldn't recover. I felt so bad afterward. So off. It was strange. Afterward Earnestine, Rachae, and I went to Starbucks to talk about the things we need to get done for our careers and to catch up. I just couldn't shake that awful feeling. I wondered if I was getting sick. I'd never felt anything like it. It was like my chest had a very warm hand on it. I could feel the warmth through to my heart. I felt so sad and uncomfortable. We stayed there for a few hours. Then Earnestine drove me home. I tried to lay down for a while, but it didn't work. I remembered the phone call I'd gotten. I called voicemail and it was my youngest brother Sonny who had called me. He said he'd call me later. I called him instead to see what was up. And it all happened so fast.
Sonny, "Mama is in the hospital."
Me, "What?!? What for? How long has she been in?"
"The doctor just called told me to come there, but he won't tell me why?"
"Okay, Sonny, calm down. Just go. I'm sure it's okay. Are you getting ready to go?"
"I'm trying to get a ride."
"I'm sure everything is okay. Go ahead and call who you need to call then call me back and let me know what's going on. I'm sure it's gonna be alright."
I said that to him, told him it was going to be fine, but I was already screaming in my head. I prayed, "Oh God let her be alright. Oh God, let her be alright. Oh God, let her be alright."
You see, my mother and I had a very difficult relationship, and hadn't been close for a long time. But we talked just two weeks before and it was the best conversation I'd had with her in years. We talked about her life, my life, if I was gonna have kids. She told me how much she loved me and my husband. She said how much she loved my siblings and daddy. She planned on moving to Savannah, GA. Saying how beautiful it was and how it reminded her of Memphis when she was a girl. She said Jaime and I should come visit her there. She was so nice. Our conversation was so easy, so natural. I felt for the first time ever we could be friends. Real friends. Like most mothers are with their grown daughters. I'd never had it, and I'd always wondered what it was like. If this was it, I knew I'd love it. We talked for hours and said goodbye. It was the last time we spoke, although she did call me on my birthday.
Sonny called me back. He was on his way to the hospital. He'd let me know what was going on when he got there. I called my aunt Sis, my grandma's sister, to see if she knew anything. She told me my sister, Pie, and my Aunt Janice, my mama's sister, were on their way to the hospital.
Fifteen minutes later Aunt Sis called back
Sis said, "She's gone."
I said, "Who's Gone?!?"
"Your mama."
"Not my mama! You must be talking about somebody else's mama. You know what? I have to go. I need to call my brothers."
Then I hung up.
I felt calm. But my mind was cracked. I just didn't know it.
I called Jaime and told him to come home from work "RIGHT NOW!" I called my younger brother, Marcus, said I'd come meet him when Jaime got home. Called my older brother, Puncho, who was on stage performing. I told whoever answered to get him off stage. Then I walked in a circle for twenty minutes. I still felt calm. I thought "I'll be okay. I can do this." I went to my neighbors' apartment. When they opened the door I screamed out "My mama died!" and they I fell out on their floor. I cried and screamed and howled and hollered until I couldn't see, couldn't breath, couldn't make another noise. I was broken. And she was gone.
I then realized why I felt so strange earlier. My mama was dying and she touched me. She put her warm hand on my heart and said goodbye. She loved me so much that she made sure to say goodbye to me. To me.
I cannot explain how awful this is. Losing a mama is one thing, but losing her when you hadn't done what you were supposed to do is a whole other thing. I hurt. Everyday.
I am grateful we talked two weeks before. I am thankful for her love. I am thankful for her ways, good and horrid. I am blessed she loved me. And I'm most thankful to realize I loved her back. See I worried if anything ever happened to her I would feel nothing. I am oh so thankful to have been oh so wrong.
Joy Anne Rhodes Brown. She was my Mama. And I loved her.
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